A Former Westboro Baptist Member on Belief, Family, and Her Past

Book review: Unfollow, by Megan Phelps-Roper (Amazon / Book Depository)

I was beginning to see that our first loyalty was not to the truth but to the church. That for us, the church was the truth, and disloyalty was the only sin unforgivable. This was the true Westboro legacy.

Megan Phelps-Roper is the granddaughter of Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps. The tiny but very loud street-preaching Topeka, Kansas church is considered a hate group, dubbed the “most hated family in America,” and are known for their boundless enthusiasm for picketing, including funerals of U.S. soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan, and their gleeful celebration when tragedies like school shootings or terrorist attacks occur. That’s God’s punishment for wickedness, according to them.

They’re particularly obsessed with persecuting LGBT+ people, and Megan memorably makes clear just how fiery they get about this topic:

I could articulate the meanings of “scat,” “rimming,” and “golden showers” all before my eighth birthday, though I was loath to do so. To publicly accuse gays of these filthy behaviors would leave a girl open to challenge—“How do you know?”—and thus put her in the unenviable position of having to explain that it’s in a book called The Joys of Gay Sex … which, no, she had not read … but her grandfather had told her about it … during church … from the pulpit.

That grandfather, Fred Phelps, “Gramps” to his large family, was “armed with a law degree, righteous indignation, and unwavering antagonism” through his law career and the church’s founding. I didn’t know much about Westboro beyond basics — it just seems best not to give these types the attention they desperately want — so I was astonished to learn Phelps had been a vociferous advocate for civil rights, had even been honored by the NAACP for his work.

This cognitive dissonance was surprising but then again not, as Phelps-Roper herself acknowledges many such instances that church members, herself included, exercised constantly in order to adhere to their beliefs. On her lunch break, she even protests outside the high school she’s attending at that moment. (But what were they protesting there? Sometimes potentially significant details are missing.)

Curiously, members are highly educated with a penchant for law: her mother and many aunts and uncles are lawyers, and the family runs a law office. With so much education and ability, it’s hard to understand their decision to use their powers for evil instead of good.

Phelps-Roper left the church and her insular family in late 2012, and Unfollow is her memoir of her life there through her decision to leave, up until shortly after she’s started over with her sister Grace outside Westboro’s confines. She’s one of 11 (!) children (four of whom have now left Westboro) born to Shirley Phelps-Roper, Fred’s daughter, and Brent Roper, a rare outsider convert. Westboro members are an extremely small group, numbering only around 70 and primarily being members of Phelps’ family. They very occasionally get outside converts, but Megan had mostly resigned herself to never having a partner. Everything was about the church and its message, that its interpretation of the bible is the only correct one.

Megan was an avid Twitter user, serving as a spokesperson there trumpeting the church’s ideology and interacting with dissenters, of which there were obviously many. But she’s also educated, quick-thinking and witty, all things that made her an intriguing sparring partner for Twitter users, and even won her some strange friendships, of sorts, among those who tried to engage her in ideological discussions. In a twist emphasizing the basic goodness of people, even in the face of such extreme hate, some of these people would come to her aid when she left the church and help her get on her feet in the outside world.

With each new kindness, I understood with ever greater clarity the depths of my ignorance about the world.

Among these were her high school English teacher and David Abitbol, a Jewish blogger (Jews being another major Westboro target), and eventually Chad Fjelland, who not only engaged with Megan on Twitter but over Words with Friends, which led to deep discussions of her beliefs. It was one of the catalysts for her to begin questioning these beliefs, and she shows how fundamentally difficult this was, as questioning was totally verboten. In one heartbreaking scene, she walks on a college campus with her aunt Margie, who would’ve rather become a professor than a lawyer constantly fighting Westboro’s battles, and the two consider “the choices we would have made if we’d had any choice at all.”

In a “reader, I married him” ending, Fjelland eventually enters Megan’s life in a greater capacity and they’re now married. I didn’t expect to be as touched by this as I was, but she’s a fairly deft writer (with an impressive vocabulary) and she makes the depths of her experiences and feelings deeply felt.

The earlier parts of the book portray her life within Westboro and love for her family. It feels like an attempt to humanize them, and I see why she’d want to do that, but it comes at the cost of describing more about Westboro’s ideology and workings. Not that I want to read more of their hate-filled screeds, but I never grasped the jump from civil rights advocate to hater of everyone with the bible lines to prove it, and how exactly everyone could be convinced of the infallibility of it all. There’s some serious cult indoctrination that happened and which we never see.

A bit too much of the book contains the excerpts Westboro members used to underscore their protests and beliefs. Much of the content is Megan’s questioning of these against her previous defenses of the same, and that’s interesting to some extent, but I found it switched gears often when I still had curiosity around a topic. It’s best when she outlines bigger leaps in belief, like having to reconcile with the possibility they’re wrong:

I crossed a chasm in that split second, pursuing a thought my mind had never truly imagined and now could never take back. With stark clarity I understood that whether the church was wrong or right, I was a monster. If we were wrong, then I had spent every day of my life industriously sowing doom, discord, and rage to so many—not at the behest of God, but of my grandfather. I had wasted my life only to fill others’ with pain and misery.

She’s a clever writer who touches on many areas of curiosity, even if it did go in circles around her inner thoughts a bit. I’m sure she’s still making sense of all this herself. I had some curiosity left about the group’s functioniong and where the shunning aspect came from, but maybe these are less important topics, ultimately. It also ends rather abruptly, as I think seeing more of her transition into where her life is today would’ve been illuminating.

The impact of her story is immense, and it’s clear that she loves and misses her family terribly, and that’s uncomfortable to consider. I can only imagine how difficult it is for her, but she’s constructed a fascinating, if unnerving, narrative about the ability to change lifelong beliefs in the face of harshly conditioned fear of the “other”. She even includes a timely, unsettling warning about how the mindset in America is shifting towards this fundamental distrust of those who don’t think like us, and how it echoes the rhetoric Westboro preaches. She would know, and that’s a terrifying warning. 3.5/5

A Memoir of Loving and Leaving the Westboro Baptist Church

by Megan Phelps-Roper
published October 8, 2019 by Farrar, Straus and Giroux

I received an advance copy courtesy of the publisher for unbiased review.

Amazon / Book Depository


28 thoughts on “A Former Westboro Baptist Member on Belief, Family, and Her Past

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  1. I’ve always been fascinated by this hate-mongering family who considers what they’re doing to be good.

    I can understand her still loving her family, if not their views. I have a cousin who used to say racist things and I didn’t know how to deal with it. It makes me think about the novel Huckleberry Finn where you have evil so woven into a society that good people casually and unthinkingly say things that are terrible to most modern readers.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know what you mean. They’re such awful trainwrecks but it was interesting to learn more about it and actually how simplistic their whole message is. The behavior is even messier than I realized though. Have you watched the Louis Theroux BBC documentaries? I watched them after reading this. She writes about how excited they were just to be around the film crews because they don’t really get to interact with outsiders. I feel so bad for the kids there.

      I can understand her loving her family still too, it just made me uneasy, I guess. She writes about her mother physically abusing them, but she’s still so clearly attached to her. Those things are so complicated but it made me hurt for her. You make such a good point about it being like in Huck Finn!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve been wondering about buying this book after seeing the documentary with Louis Theroux recently. It was really emotional hearing Megan’s story and I’d like to know more. I think after reading your review I will try and get this book from the library, it sounds very interesting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I only watched his documentaries after finishing reading this, they were excellent. This is definitely worth reading, it’s a cut above some of the other cult-leaving type memoirs I’ve read because she’s a very good writer.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. They’re completely vile. And you’re right, not really a “church,” more a cult. It does give some good insight into it though, and especially into how exactly her thinking changed, which I found really interesting. Hope you like it!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Glad I could pique your interest! I was surprised too, I knew they were smallish but not THAT small. And they’re not even interested in recruiting new members, just in telling people their message and their doctrine. So it’s just destined to die out, I guess? It’s very weird.


  3. I don’t remember if it was her exactly when she was little but I’ve seen the episodes of the Howard Stern Show, in which a mother and her three young daughters would spout their hate on his game show episodes. It always blew me away that you would ever teach your children to spew that kind of hate. (Even adults but from children it was just so much worse.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh I wonder if it was them! The mom did always take a couple of the girls with her whenever she was on a show. There’s an episode of Tyra with Megan and another daughter and Tyra chewing them out. But yes, it’s completely astounding what they teach them. The Louis Theroux BBC documentaries are heartbreaking because of the kids. They spout this stuff and don’t understand at all what it means and what the rest of the world is thinking. It makes it that much more impressive when they’re able to leave. They also defend their brand of hatred by saying they’re the only ones who love people enough to tell them they’re doing wrong and going to hell. Eyeroll to infinity.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think the docs are all on youtube. They’re fascinating but tragic. The book is totally worth a read! I had my qualms with it but it was still very good, and better written/organized than I expected.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I have seen the Louis Theroux documentaries and could not believe how odious this cult was, in particular Fred who was very unpleasant to Louis, showing himself to be an evil little tyrant. Feel very very sorry for children growing up in this cult. Good for her for breaking away.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. They are so very odious. He was so rude to Louis Theroux for no reason, it was bizarre. And gaslighting him, that he’d already answered a question when he obviously hadn’t. The weird thing is that cults usually have a charismatic leader and I didn’t get that impression from him at all. Just a very angry person.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Great review, Ren💜 Obviously, I’m a bit behind😏

    These people showed up here in Greensboro NC this weekend. They were met by a huge gathering of religious leaders who created a silent wall around them, backs turned. They sent the message that no one wanted to listen or engage with them. They walked off a local college. They eventually took their signs and left.

    I, too, that they were a larger organization. I’m not sure about reading this book as I have no interest in learning anything about their ideology, though I’m immensely curious of Megan’s experience. I definitely am interested in how she made the decision to leave.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. She talks about that in the book, all the travel to different places to protest. So much of it! In the Louis Theroux documentary, her mother mentions that the cost of their plane tickets for that is in the hundreds of thousands every year. Isn’t that insane? I’m glad in Greensboro they were able to show them they weren’t welcome. That sounds more effective too– their being silent; they seem to enjoy it when people get angry and fight with them.

      There’s really not that much in the book about their ideology beyond lots of bible verses and Megan explaining how they interpreted them. Which is pretty interesting, actually. She discusses her decision to leave a lot, basically she connected with people over Twitter (her account was a popular mouthpiece for the group) and one of them engaged her kindly and intelligently about her beliefs and got her thinking differently really for the first time, as questioning is completely verboten. Then some changes happened in the group and the combination of factors was enough for her to go. It was quite an interesting read!

      Liked by 1 person

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